THE LOST ART OF RELATIONSHIP
Trust is tricky. We try to generalize it, but in reality, it is complex and multi-faceted. It is often misunderstood even by many intelligent individuals. Onora O’Neill, an English philosopher, postures that when we say we need more trust, it is a “stupid aim,” and that we should not be focused on building more trust, but rather trusting those who are trustworthy more and those who are untrustworthy less.
I like this! Would we even need to ask the question “Do you trust me?” if we simply proved we were trustworthy by our actions and our words? So often we expect others to trust us without proving we are trustworthy first. We expect others to give us their trust just because we ask for it. However, trust comes as the result of trustworthiness. So if we want people to trust us more, how can we prove our trustworthiness? O’Neill believes trustworthiness must include these three components.
1. Honesty
I used to tell my daughters while they were growing up (I still
do, actually) that lying is wrong because it has the power to
destroy a relationship very quickly. Lying and being caught in
a lie is like napalm—it can flare up and burn out a relationship,
charring it beyond repair. Honesty is a vital part of trustwor-
thiness.
A key component to honesty is accountability. Accountability
is not a lack of trust; it is a test of honesty. Many times, it is
wise to get a second opinion to confirm or verify the informa-
tion given. Why else would you go get a second opinion from
another doctor? Or on your car for a particular repair? Why
would you talk to another friend regarding a situation you are
facing after you just asked advice from the first one? Because
a test of honesty that proves to be true deepens trust.
I remember very distinctly when my wife was pregnant with
our youngest daughter. The OB/GYN we had been with for
eight months suggested Tania may have to get a C-section due
to the size of our baby’s head. Even though we trusted our
doctor up to this point, this was not an acceptable option.
We went to see another OB/GYN for a second opinion. The
other OB/GYN evaluated Tania and our baby and concluded
the baby’s head was around nine cm, and although it may be
a difficult delivery, it was not mandatory to have a C-section
because the baby was not in any danger. This, of course,
helped us (mainly Tania) feel more at ease. We went back